Gertie
Gertie

 

 

Ok, this is one of those annoying deals you get from a consistently attentive friend that sends you emails with all manner of dogs, cats, flags, touchy feely stuff and wants you to pass it on to 6 friends thereby spreading the love and peace via visuals…you know those types right? Well, I got this one and there were no visuals, just text and it was a bit humorous. Because my dad was a bonifided hillbilly from up the holler near Panther, West Virginia, I thought I would pass along this piece, but I won’t send you any picutes of dogs kissing baby fawns or three  yellow lab puppies snoozing. I promise.            

North and South
> The North has Bloomingdales,
> The South has Dollar General
> The North has coffee houses,
> The South has Waffle Houses.
> The North has dating services,
> The South has family reunions.
> The North has switchblade knives,
> The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
> The North has double last names,
> The South has double first names.
> The North has Indy car races,
> The South has stock car races.
> The North has Cream of Wheat,
> The South has grits  (pronounced gree-uts).
> The North has green salads,
> The South has collard greens.
> The North has lobsters,
> The South has crawfish and
> Blue crabs,
> The North has the rust belt,
> The South has the Bible Belt

AND FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .In the South:  If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic.  Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup
 truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store…do not buy food at this store. Remember, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s”  is plural possessive. Get used to hearing “You ain’t from ’round here, are ya?”
 

 Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying.  They can’t understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ‘ol” truck or “big ‘ol” boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influence dialect this way.  But all of them are in denial about it.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that “He needed killin'” is a valid defense here. If  you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

 If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of eve the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.  It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not.  You just have to go there.

 In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it driveway.